They had been broken up for over year. But after dating for 11 years and knowing each other even longer, they had become best friends. They no longer shared the same dreams, the same bed, the same space, but they were still joined by time and countless memories. She had stopped hanging out with him as friends because of me. It wasn’t fair to me, she thought, if she still went out with the ex, even as just friends. For me, she pushed him away. For me, she began to let go of him completely. Last night he asked her to come over, to spend time with him. For me, she told him no. I don’t know what to make of this right now. He died alone last night. I imagine his last day on earth was lonely, empty, meaningless…perhaps meaningless without her. But there I was, the muse to her abandonment, holding her, laughing with her, while he died alone. Did he kill himself because of me? I don’t want to think about it, bit I can’t help think about it. I hate this feeling.
Now that I think about it, I’ve had my heart broken by three men. Joseph was my best friend in college, my brother of choosing, a soul mate! He started dating an ex girlfriend of mine. Early on she made the mistake of telling him “Ernest is who I want, you are who I deserve.”. The friendship between the three of us quickly fell apart. It was only a matter of time before he was forced to choose between her and I. She got “whom she deserved” and I lost my best friend. Male frienships are hard to establish, and heart wrenching when they vanish. We don’t recover well, and we never talk about it. We refuse to feel a sense of loss for another man. A type of homophia I did not understand when I was young. How stupid we men are to ignore that love exists between friends.
The meaning of life is not work. The meaning of life NOT money! Life is not about correcting your mistakes… because you can’t. You can opt not to make the same mistakes, but you can’t correct the misteps you’ve taken. You can’t undo hurt; you can’t undo pain; and you can’t save millions to make up for the one you’ve taken. Life is not about making up for past wrongs. Life is about helping others and saving who you can. Not to make up for something, but simply because it our duty to help those who need us. Life is about leaving your mark behind, be it through children or helping others. Life about giving a little bit of yourself back. LIFE IS ABOUT LEGACY!
I saw my ex at the dogpark today. It was actually really nice to see Cayla and the dogs. Cayla gave me a big hug, which I returned. Amidst the falling out of love with Deb and her dating a man that treats her really well, I miss Cayla and Copper. I didn’t know how much till today.
Not sure why I fell out of love so quickly. My friend Chris tells me that it’s because my initial idea was not based on reality…and he’s right. She ended up not being who I thought she was because I imagined great things that were just not part of her.
Mi primer blog ratoncito. Don’t know what to write about. But I’m taking your advice!